This draft has been sitting in my head for a while now, I just didn’t have the courage to write it down. Why? I don’t know… Just like how you don’t understand why the hero of the movie sometimes doesn’t pull the trigger. You go like “Aaaah! Sii you just shoot the bad guy and get it over and done with? Why you so weak??” But then again, the movie would end too soon now won’t it?
It’s funny how sometimes something negative needs to happen so you see all the positives. Twisted, I know. Like when you steal your dad’s car and go out to party then crush it and he has to look you in the eye and tell you how disappointed he is in you and how he never thought you would ever do such a thing. “You are better than this! You are the one I had hopes for, you have been such a good girl! Why do this?” (And you tell yourself, “Dude you should have told me this before!”)
This letter though isn’t about seeking attention but speaking my truth. So here we go. Yet another celebrity apologizing to the public. Weeh! Never thought I would be here.
I am not perfect. Far from it. What I am is real and honest. That is why even on radio I have shared embarrassing episodes of my life and why I speak to many young people on the daily and tell them it’s ok to make mistakes but you must learn the lesson from it because its part of knowing your WHY. Now hear me out…When you are speaking to the youth and want to continue speaking to them, especially in media, you are told you must immerse yourself in their culture. Be cool, just like them. Be sexy, be lit, be edgy. That is how they will “accept you” and be comfortable around you. (Not entirely true…)
I had left HBR and ratings were high, the highest actually and here I was on a new path. A new station called NRG and one that is shaking things up. Many people had and still have a lot of faith in me-which is both awesome and somewhat intimidating. Why? Because expectations are high, and sometimes, even you don’t see these ‘great things’ you have done that people keep telling you about. You just do what you do and enjoy it. No great formula to it. No strategy, just heart.
Before long the questions started:
“So now? Will you change your name? Cz Mwalimu is kindaaa not cool…”
“Class 124 itaendelea?”
“Will you dress different? Cz that studio maaaan!”
“How will you keep up with the new breed of younger, edgier presenters?”
“Head presenter? You gotta make a splash!”
Wow. Ok… this is different. I must show them something different! That there’s a side of me they haven’t seen! I can be sexy! Heeeh?! Kwani? I can be down for whatever, I can do this! Lete hiyo camera, Timmy kuja hapa, they want edgy? I’ll give them edgy. I ain’t scared! Snap! Snap!
What you don’t know is that the whole time we took the pictures, we were laughing at how silly we felt.
Impatience from one end + adrenaline from my end = Bad decisions.
I have learnt that. Before I knew it the pictures were out there making rounds. Then you know that feeling of ‘I done messed up?’ It started creeping in. It starts off slowly, you try to suppress it, distract yourself, tell yourself you have nothing to worry about, but it’s still there. Lingering.
There’s immense pressure about being a wife, a mother and an entertainer at the same damn time. Things you wanna do but can’t, things you wanna say but shouldn’t. I keep praying that I know how to navigate those waters. During all this, a person I admire and respect told me:
“You know who you are. You are not what they say you are, even if they shout it louder.”
That kept me going.
Is there something going on between Timmy and I? Yes. A beautiful on air chemistry that you cannot deny. (Ok that is a good rhyme.) Other than that? No. No sexual relationship, no sneaking around, nothing like that. Not because I am an angel who does no wrong, but because that is the truth. Take it or leave it.
Then I saw pictures of the other girls on this #IfikieWazazi trend, and let’s not forget the guys too! And my heart broke. There is a story as to why we took those pictures for our show (not the best pics, but there’s a story!) What about these girls? Do we know theirs? Do we even want to know? I do. But that is for another day.
I’d like to speak to YOU who has made a mistake and think it’s the end, you think they will never see you past your mistake, they see you as worthless, scum of the earth. Yes, even with your nudes out there, your pregnancy out of wedlock know this: You are amazing, you are special, created for a higher purpose and more powerful than you know. You messed up, I messed up, but did we learn the lesson? Then that is all that matters. We now have to pray for wisdom, work it out a day at a time through the good and the rough days, and steer back on course. And every time you feel defeated, come and read this part and I hope you feel better even for a minute.
Owning up to our mistakes and failures doesn’t make us weak, it makes us REAL. And realness is such a rare thing these days. So own your realness. Own your mistakes. I just owned mine.
Conquer Your World.