I don’t usually go around complaining about the same things the masses do. I mean, I am my own person. I reason. I decide. THEN I complain from an educated perspective. When everyone plus their mother was wailing about the heat and equinox, I kept cool… I mean, I’m born and raised in Mombasa so I know a thing or two about heat. That was before it got nearly impossible to sleep at night. HOT DAMN! I woke up one morning to see my womanly contours traced on my silky sheets you’d have thought Horetio of CSI Miami had personally come to investigate my murder. And by the way, put aside the sexy silk ladies. Time to bring out the cotton! (Lord knows we ain’t got taaahm for the silk!) The sweat was intense!
Then came the time I was driving back home from the studio and decided to take Upper Hill Road only to find a traffic jam build up. Thinking I could take a “littu” nap as I waited since we weren’t moving anyway, I was woken up by a concerned woman- my mothers age- who alerted me that I was completely out for 30 minutes as cars behind me hooted since the jam had started moving. The look of shock on her face made me hate myself. DAMN YOU EQUINOX!
There was also the day I was on set shooting an upcoming TV Series and just as we had started rolling, I felt a warm, fine sheen of sweat streaming down my thigh…then two, then three. Ladies understand me when I say that that is the most UNCOMFORTABLE, UNEASY, borderline disgusting feeling one can ever have. I only thank God the camera didn’t capture that!
What the hell man! Literally, this heat from hell will bake us alive. All manner of juices I didn’t know I had have suddenly made an appearance in places the sun don’t and shouldn’t shine! Dammit equinox! To be honest, I don’t know what equinox really is! Kenyans are just using this word in every conversation these days.
Me: “Habari mama Liz, mko salama?”
Mama Liz: “Eeeh! Tuko sawa tu. Ni hii equinox inatumaliza.”
All I know is this equinox has done some serious damage. Forget carrying your strawberry lip balm because by the time you get to wherever you were headed, it has melted to syrup. Don’t even think about leaving your earrings on the dash board unless you want them to be gold coins. The water we carry is literally hot, strong tea by the time it’s 4 O’clock. It’s just a mess.
I have had to shave more regularly than I normally do. In places that I will leave to your imagination (you perv you! lol!) Kwanza ladies ebu we shave! Hands, legs, armpits, down south, kila mahali if we are to survive this equinox holocaust. We already have powerful smells, let’s not kill those around us…That goes for you fellas as well! Team work make the dream work! haha!
[Tweet “[ @MwalimuRachel: I have had to shave more regularly than I normally do. In places that I will leave to your imagination…] #MRX”]
One Idris Elba knows this all too well. Some say he shaved his hair and beard for a movie role, I say forget that theory man. He’s just too shy to admit this heat got to him. A beard in this heat is like having a Peruvian weave on your chin. Think about it. Equinox made him do it; and now women all over the world mourn his loss.
Damn. Fare thee well sexy Idris Elba. Hello Apostle Emmanuel of African Hot Sun Church. Let us pray:
[Tweet “@MwalimuRachel: Damn. Fare thee well sexy Idris Elba. Hello Apostle Emmanuel of African Hot Sun Church. Let us pray] #MRX”]
But I like this one even better:
Love. Live. Learn.