As #29DaysOfSelfLove comes to an end, I would like to reveal a little bit of myself as I share tonight’s self love affirmation: I am sexy. I am desirable.
I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a home maker. I am a career woman. Feeling powerful is something I love. I am not ashamed of it. I am also not obsessed by it. I am not what you would call a control freak, well, I don’t think so anyway…Lol! Sex appeal and feeling sexy is one of those things that makes me and many other women feel powerful. In charge, in control. We do however have our good days and bad ones where our hair isn’t looking the best, when we feel so uninspired looking at our closet and wondering what we’ll wear to the office. Oh how I know that feeling.
Before the baby, my confidence was better than good. As a size 8 weighing 50 Kgs, I could fit into the tiny dresses my friends couldn’t, I felt sexy and even though I STILL had insecurities with my body (I know, wanawake tuna shida! haha!) I would be able to suppress those insecurities with a good weave. You’d be surprised what a good human hair weave can do to a girl’s confidence. Then mother hood checked in and boy did it take a toll on me. The emotional instability aside, the physical insecurity was the worst. They say it’s all in the mind, but they probably were’t pregnant. I had to fight through so much to stay focussed in the gym and commit; and thank goodness I had a good man who was my number 1 cheerleader. You can imagine trying to shed off 25 Kgs, with a young baby at home, a career in media and all the trash talk online. It wasn’t easy. There were days I cried, some days I sought refuge in comfort food and wanted to “accept my fate”. I mean, I wouldn’t be the first chic to gain lots of weight after pregnancy and stay that way… but something in me refused to give in. Something in me said “Mwalimu, cut off the negativity. Depart from those that are telling you they can’t see any change in you 3 months down the line gym-ing.”
And I did.
The same voice asked me: “Girl, why you holding on to these dresses that don’t fit? Every time you try them on to review your gym progress all you do is get frustrated and cry and your self esteem takes a plunge. Why are you doing this to yourself? Give your sister the damn dresses girl. Get new ones in your new size.”
And I did. (Except for ONE dress I swear I’m not ready to let go! noooooo! Hahaha!)
That damn stubborn voice…kept ringing in my head again telling me to ignore and block the nasty trolls on twitter who wouldn’t have the guts to tell me to my face all the fat comments they spewed online.
And I gladly did.
In all this, my confidence was rising. I could see the changes on my body. I didn’t care if others saw it or not. I could feel the change and that was all that mattered.
Throughout that tough time, I found it so freaking hard to feel sexy. I had to fight through it. I certainly couldn’t wait till I was 50 Kgs again to regain my sexiness! So I had to stand in front of the mirror and love my new curves. I had to accept that 50 Kgs wasn’t the Mecca of looking good and feeling sexy. I was more voluptuous, and that would have to do. I would work with it. Dress in slightly low cut V-neck tops to reveal what brings the boyz to the yard. Wear those dresses that hugged my new thighs just a little bit tighter. Get into those jeans that showed my bootylicious side. Yes! It was working! Most of all my man appreciated it too. It was a win-win situation. Before long, my weight went down and I got to my target. It isn’t 50 just incase you’re wondering, but a weight I love and I’m comfortable with.
This is a letter to you. Man, woman, young lady, first time mum, mother of 4, obese man, skinny man. Whichever category you fall in: You are sexy. You are desirable. You are a power house. You are indestructible. You need to believe that first before you lose or gain the weight. So go ye forth and do YOU. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Work with what you have. Only then will you discover the power and sexiness of self love.
Love. Live. Learn.
Mwalimu Rachel
#MRX.
